“I loved real hard once, but the love wasn’t returned”
-Lauryn Hill
Since I have been in college I feel like it’s been situationship after situationship and I am pretty convinced that relationships only exist on YouTube. This is my last semester of college and I can honestly say I’ve only been in one real meet the family/post on social media type of relationship. It was train wreck end of that story. After that it would be people I “talk” to (yeah we’re gonna talk about that in a second) and it felt like I was on a one way trip to absolutely no where. Let me make one thing clear “talking” isn’t dating but it also according to Twitter ,doesn’t mean you’re single??? Yeah I’m still confused on that one. According to the world of Gen Z and those who pretend to not be a part of Gen Z, talking is basically you and another person that you are attracted to and like communicating and possibly hanging out with.
Not dating though. But while you “talk” to someone you are supposed to act as if you are in a relationship with that person. Once again this is not dating it’s just confusing and annoying. And towards the end of these little situations they are just plain hurtful. I think in these situations one person always wants a little more from the other. These situations in my opinion just take the responsibility away from the person who isn’t that invested in the other person. Because at the end of the day you technically don’t date and you aren’t in relationship. You know exactly what you signed up for so when you end up hurt. Guess whose fault it is? Yours and hurts like hell.
I was “talking” to someone for eight months. When it really hit me that we weren’t going in the direction that I hoped we were I felt like I was going through an actual break up. Then when I really realized that there was nothing to actually break I cried even more. Then I felt stupid because I should have stopped putting myself in that situation.
It becomes this private painful feeling. Because, truthfully you feel like you have no right to what you’re feeling. Maybe we shouldn’t invest so much time into people who don’t feel the same. Pouring into to someone and they walk away full and you walk away empty it, makes you feel just how much you think you lost.
“Pouring into to someone and they walk away full and you walk away empty it makes you feel just how much you think you lost. “
It makes you a little bitter, it makes you want them to feel the way you do, and all that hurt you feel suddenly becomes justified. I hate to be the person to break it to you but it doesn’t become justified. You are not wrong and you are not right. If I could offer any advice on what I have learned coming out of this experience is to not do it. You’re intentions can be very pure and you can think that you may never have feelings for a person. You make think that what you’re doing is just fun and then you turn around and you’re listening to Take Care at 2am in a dark room with a cheap bottle of wine. (I did it mind your business).
I’m just in growing time I feel. I am at a very weird age some of my friends are getting married and some can’t even cook. The growing part for me is going through these relationships and realizing that a person can either be my blessing or my lesson. Sometimes I feel God is looking at me talking to these dudes and says “It’s another lesson girl, don’t put that emoji by his name”. Like I said it really hurts but, my momma told me that if you can see yourself out of it in two weeks don’t waist two minutes on it. I never listen to that but it is true. I do think sometimes you can cry and it will suck for awhile but don’t let it make you jaded. We are way too young for that.
A few times a week I get enough courage to take thirty minutes out of my day to watch the sunset. I usually see it starting to set on my walk home from work and I sprint back to my apartment to try to catch it completely. I make a little tea and start my aromatherapy and get cozy in a nook in my room and I just pause. It’s not like meditation where I’m in a constant state of peace it’s more of just being aware of the world around me. We get so lost in our own lives and our own heads that we forget that there is more to life than whatever we have going on. I first started to think about this when I read Latham Thomas’s book and ever since I have been more thankful of my time. I have tricked myself into thinking that every second of my life has to be filled with productivity in order for my life to be fulfilled. I make these list and these schedules that are often impossible to finish. When I don’t finish everything I’m left stressed out and frazzled. But, the reason I made these list and got so organized is to be less stressed.
Why did you pause your life to do something that you didn’t feel anything for. I remember a few years ago I saw a beautiful post on Pintrest. This girl was in a luxury bubble bath with breakfast and had this face mask it was so cute. I got off from work that day and prepared myself to recreate that exact scene. Not only could I not enjoy the breakfast because something about eating breakfast and soaking in a nice bath just doesn’t work. Or maybe it was the fact that I was eating with a charcoal mask…. still not sure on which one it was. The point is once I finished doing what I thought would be a fun pause in my life I was just glad it was over. So you have to do exactly what you need to do for a pause.
f you need a nap then by all means take a nap. If you want to sit in front of your tv for an hour and binge watch Power then DO THAT! You should never feel guilty about pausing your life. I guarantee the hour you used for yourself is insignificant to your productivity. Guilt for moments of happiness should tell you what you think of yourself. If you find yourself feeling guilty that should be your motivation for enjoying the company of yourself. Cherish the person you are. Enjoy the body you live inside of. Pamper your soul as you would your body. TREAT YO SELF!!
Granted when I was fifteen a better version of myself was a spending Saturdays in Forever 21 with my moms debit card but it was better than my mom standing over me in Forever 21 convincing me not to buy a stupid graphic tee. Now I spend my Saturdays buying flowers which is a switch I never saw coming, But, growth is growth.It’s not measured by an age or the people around us. 
Growth for me is being comfortable going places alone and not feeling ashamed for not being 100% dedicated to every aspect of my life. 
For no reason other than to prove to myself that I could. Getting cast wasn’t the goal it was auditioning. I have never really acted and I could speak in public but to adopt another persona was not my forte. I wanted to prove that I was brave enough to step out of the imaginary race. I promise the day I walked out of the office after auditioning and getting cast I felt this feeling of rejuvenation. I was getting somewhere with my goals. A few months ago I wouldn’t have done it because school and work were the most important in my life. But once I realized that if I keep staying safe and running after someone on their track I would never race my own race. Once you reach that minor growth that’s when the inner glowing starts. When you feel happy you start to look it. Glowing starts with accepting where you are in life but once you accept it you can recognize that you have the strength, power, and ability to change that. I accepted the fact that I am not where I want to be when it comes to my writing but it will change. Meditate on what you fear and see where the fear is sourced from. That where growth starts from. 
It starts with reaching into those places that are sensitive and healing those places to be comfortable and allowing those sensitive parts to come forward. You ever hear people talk about relationships and they say you and your partner must want growth for it to work? Well your body and mind are just like a relationship. When you want growth you have to activate it all parts of your being. You have to open yourself and open places that hinders you from growing. Once you start to grow into the next phase of yourself the glowing come naturally. It comes like second nature and you don’t realize your glow until you go into your next phases of growth. When its time for a change be sure to change.
Odd Year is that failure is mental. Test grades, goals, relationships and friendships don’t end in failure. You learned something from every test life gives you. how could you fail if you won knowledge? 
I can’t give a person love if I have yet to experience love from myself. And if you are a person who wants to give love be kind enough to the people around you and heal your own heart before you break another’s. 
relationships we can remember what that person did and how we felt, but when they are gone the pain of loss isn’t all you have left. At least you’ll have the memory. 
direction. Joy has taught me so much about being passionate about your career, Alison has taught me the beauty of embracing this divine feminine spiritual life. Asia is someone new in my life but still an old friend has taught me courage and above all just to be brave at facing new obstacles in life. 
So one when I do walk down the aisle holding hands with my momma I will thank my dad. I don’t care about the role he had in my life anymore. I care about the role he will have and what he will represent moving forward. God forbid something happens at least we will end better than what we started. 
My Momma said “People think your wild you need to tone it down some, don’t play so rough”. In my head I was like “what the hell did I do I’m chilling.” I was a rough little chick most of the time. I yelled, I would fight the boys, wore the basketball shorts but I was super feminine at the same time. I couldn’t find the balance or find something that kept me calm and not so angry all the time. But the perception that I wasn’t behaving like a “regular girl” sort of stuck. So I kept finding myself in those same situations where I was just too rough for my own good. By the time I got to middle school I was done going outside and I was just trying to stay out of the way and avoid situations that would make me angry. But when you are a person who likes to be mad you will find yourself looking to be mad everywhere.
There are times that I’ll let my anger get the best of me but I’m also only human. But in the past if something got to me I was angry for awhile and I had to basicaly developed an energy about myself to pu
I take back whatever positive energy was taken from me. One of my favorite things to do is just to start speaking. Words are powerful and its all about how you use them I really got into poetry in college from NAACP but when I’m on stage speaking my truth or conveying my truth there is positive effects of that and it calms me to my core. Poetry has the power to empower you and
you get so much strength back delivering. Reading Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur was one of the most inspirational pieces I have read in my life and whenever I recite some pieces from the book that I feel that power that I may have lost in myself returns. Planting is a recent but old thing in my life that I use to calm myself down or to feel a peace back in myself. There is nothing more beautiful than creating and developing life. Planting gives you that feeling without having to have a child lol. On a serious note planting in essence is a quiet impact on your soul. Reading of course is my first love above all but it’s a way to get back in your head without being stuck there. Reading has allowed me to l
ive hundred of thousands lives and adventures that I wouldn’t be able to go on. Painting above all is one of the few things that give me my energy and allows me to keep it up because it’s steady. It’s simple. It’s creating something that the only other image there is exactly like it is in my head. My sacred place where my energy can be creative, uninterrupted and positive. 
theafroclub 
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